0130

I wonder too many things. I should really just go to sleep.

0111

Why does this affect me so much. 我希望可以每次真的忘了背後就不行.

1231

I guess being the procrastinator I am I just realized my new year's resolution. I think definitely this year lived up to what I had wished it to be. I really believe that I will always remember this year for many reasons, even when I'm old and wrinkly. But now as the new year comes, I really hope that I can simply live up to my name now. That's all. Without further ado, I bid this year farewell. I will definitely miss it.

Nine minutes left for me to play!

1209

The conclusion of the semester is pretty much here. As these past few months have been quickly spiraling down like a funnel, I haven't been able to write much more than a few words that will remind me of the troubles I've been going through. Overall, I think I changed in grand ways I would never have seen myself. Its still taking some time to become accustomed to, but I like it.

As I recall upon the education I have received for these past four months, the one thing that really sticks out (or that I remember) is the sense of identity and the definitions of self that sociologists have been accustomed to. As I kept reading a numerous (not really) amount of books, their definitions of how self concepts are created or maintained all made sense, but to an extent. Our self identity ultimately comes from the collective identities that we take a part of. As one interacts with others more and more, more and more they will find out about themselves. Thus sociologists have concluded that the most effective of those collective groups is our cultural identity that we share with countless of other members. As we find similarities and differences we have with the other members, we create ourself identity. This creates the fragile self identity that is heavily reliant upon the collective identities. As I continued to write upon this subject in my term papers, I realized there was a even stronger force that creates a sense of self like no other. The interactions we have with God are the ultimate true source of understanding ourselves. I don't know the entire logistics of it, but the sense of self I found inside God has been greater than any other identity I used to have, and I realized that this is the ultimate identity.

Aside from that I am sure hungry. Running out of meal points suck.

1129

Why am I stuck here?

Get me out.

But to where?

1114

Sometimes I stop to think why the wait.

1108

Life is so amazing.

1018

I am so thankful for everything now.

1008

Taking a break from all the studying this week. I guess my goal beginning this week was to slow down from all that was happening in college, but that didn't really come to reality as my week is almost already over . It seemed like everyday was just another day of studying for the midterm on the next day. However, aside from all this educational stuff, I really do enjoy college. The freedom I have now to really plan out my schedule. The new people I meet and relationships formed are rather refreshing. Diversity had never been better defined than now. All the worries I had of finding replacements to those I once held dear now vanish as I meet new characteristics I am attracted towards to as well. I really have been living in a bubble and I'm glad that is able to change now.

Thank you so much for the letter. I really miss high school, where the smallest acts of kindness are the ones that make my day.

1007

I love rediscovering songs that I enjoy.

'We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony where everything will change, we'll give ourselves new names, identities erased.'

0912

Haha, too many times we think we are the ones in control.

Let Him control.

0820

Last day in southern california. Regrets? Nah. Sad? More than I have been in a long time. Every person I had a chance to associate myself with for the past 12 years I had here in Diamond Bar has really shown a unique characteristic. In retrospect, I don't believe I can find a single person that can resemble any of the people I have met. I wouldn't want that either.

Every new step is a new chance to create more memories, not reliving in the past ones. "Make the most of it."

0802

Miss those days where we played and did what we wanted to.

Now there are so many rules to live by.

;(

0731

I have so much I want to tell them. I wish they would just listen to me one last time, but I guess I messed up. You were right, once you mess up you can't get it back. I love them; I don't know why, but I see so much potentional in each of them. Potential that I ruined, hindered, blocked from learning, experiencing, renewing.

It begun just with them two. Then it grew, more and more came. Now they are a happy family, a family I never experienced there. I was never really a leader, and now all I can do is pray. I pray that they grow with each other, struggle with each other, and ultimately know you together. Until then I don't know if I can handle the risk of messing up again. Ultimately I am disappointed in myself, God blessed me with such a wonderful group and I took that for granted.

0718

So a post talking about my taiwan trip has been long overdue. There was once that quote in TOK, but I seem to forget who said it. It goes along the lines like this, "the human incapability to share or express first hand emotions and experiences cause the human race to truly be lonely." Although poorly chosen, the quote truly describes the limitations I now face to put to words the joy, lessons & freedom I experienced in taiwan, but here I go... (forgive me for the disarranged order of this)

Prior to the trip, I remember doubting my choice in traveling so far, and spending so much money, but now after it all I am truly grateful that I had the chance to do this. Thanks for those who made it possible for me <3

I lived with my grandma in taiwan, and oh man was it a real new experience. No a/c, no hot water, living with a cockroach as my roommate was truly new to me, but after all of this I think I really grow to appreciate the advantages we are blessed with in America. However, with the appreciations also came the depreciation in how lousy&overpriced the food in America is. Haha my grandma told me everyday before I went out, that my experience here in taiwan was going to be part of my future forever, and she was glad that she could be part of it even if it was small contribution on her part. I love my grandma :)

Going out everyday for three weeks in a row is truly a new experience I longed for since middle school. The public transportation system in taiwan really allowed the new environment to become explorable & with friends the trip became that much more memorable. Although I didn't really get to hang out with one friend throughout the trip I believe the reliance upon and time spent with them allowed me to learn so much about them I wouldn't have known in America.

For the new friends I made in taiwan, I really admire them. Their sincerity and pureness in welcoming me allowed me to feel right at home. The deepest memory I will have of taiwan was the night trip up to yangming shan to see the night scenery. Although I haven't seen them for three years, the moment we met again we were able to converse as if we had seen each other only the day before.

Going into daily details will make this post way too long, so here goes the short summary:
museums, nightlife, random malls, nightmarkets, movies, mountains, car trips, mrt hopping, crashing cousins place, random strolling, rollerblading, beach, sogo, 101, eaaaaating. !

Can't wait to have another trip, maybe visit taiwan in 4 years again :)

0711

why'd you have to do that ?

you're so stupid .

that's all I have to say .

0628

so i've only got one week left to play in taiwan. it has rather been quite exhilerating going out everyday in the morning and coming home pretty late at night. but after two weeks straight of this, i think i'm slowly running out of energy. i bought new stuff, saw things i never will again, met friends that i haven't met in so long. i really had time to reflect today on why i had chosen this one brother as my hero, the one guy i truly look up and admire his characteristics, the boy i met three years ago. he hasn't changed at all these past years that i've been in america. ahah it's quite interesting how we are such different people and yet whenever we meet up we can talk for the longest time as if we had known each other for years. i believe he emodies all the characteristics that i long to have. well i'll probably write more next week when i'm back in america; i'm pretty worn out so time to nap !

0620

I've been really having fun lately. Taiwan and everything is a blast :) totally different, totally free; all in all it has been really exciting.

Today kind of hit me, all the time riding bicycles down and not really understanding what they were talking about, I just thought.

I thought about what I talked to Emily the day before also. I concluded I am a horrible person, deal with it. I'm kind of sick of people thinking I am always going to be nice, always sweet. The things I do, the things I say, I know they seem really questionable at times, but I always have a reason. If your too dumb to know that I plan everything out about my life, than just please leave and stop wasting my time. I love my friends but I am a serious asshole to people I don't like. I don't really care anymore, if you think you know my intentions for something, you're probably wrong. I think the people that are closest to me know all my mistakes, probably lived through them with me, and yet they still stuck. I really think it's the friends I have that allow me to still have some goodness inside of me. I am a hypocrite. I know. I can change that without your judgements.

A falling tree doesn't need more axes to cut it down, it needs support to get upright again. This past year I've been through a lot, if you brought an axe, please just gtfo.

People who read this probably cannot relate, cause it isn't about you.

0605

it's amazing, how in such a short time so many opposing emotions can enter and leave, barely leaving a trace. bursts of happiness, anxiety, sorrow, anger, confusion, distress, fulfillment and the list continues..

it's amazing, how people you never expected can sew together words that go beyond print on a page..

it's amazing, how the moments i wished i would forget so dearly, now i want to hold on to forever..

it's amazing how much time, or rather the lack of time can cause such a drastic change, an alteration on the perspective we preceive things as..

it's amazing how far we have drifted and yet how close we are everytime we talk again..

it's amazing i am going to berkeley, the college i did not even think of applying for..

it's amazing where i am now, and now i say..

just go with it (:

0518

There are only eight more days where I will wake up & do the very same routine I have done for four years, drive half asleep to school, do homework in the class that its due. 

I remember seniors last year began to miss everything around this time. When the days began to wind down, memories came back to them. Yet, it hasn't occured to me yet. The sorrow, the grief that was part of them, hasn't found it's way here. I never knew I could be so nonchalant, its a tad frightening. Maybe its only these past few days. I've never felt so tired in my life. 

On a side note, I should never blog when I wake up from a nap again. The tone of this blog is so apathetic, which is completely disassociated with how I feel right now, honestly. These past few days have been a cheek to cheek smile for me. Too much happened & I'm tired once again, so off to bed I go !