1231

I guess being the procrastinator I am I just realized my new year's resolution. I think definitely this year lived up to what I had wished it to be. I really believe that I will always remember this year for many reasons, even when I'm old and wrinkly. But now as the new year comes, I really hope that I can simply live up to my name now. That's all. Without further ado, I bid this year farewell. I will definitely miss it.

Nine minutes left for me to play!

1209

The conclusion of the semester is pretty much here. As these past few months have been quickly spiraling down like a funnel, I haven't been able to write much more than a few words that will remind me of the troubles I've been going through. Overall, I think I changed in grand ways I would never have seen myself. Its still taking some time to become accustomed to, but I like it.

As I recall upon the education I have received for these past four months, the one thing that really sticks out (or that I remember) is the sense of identity and the definitions of self that sociologists have been accustomed to. As I kept reading a numerous (not really) amount of books, their definitions of how self concepts are created or maintained all made sense, but to an extent. Our self identity ultimately comes from the collective identities that we take a part of. As one interacts with others more and more, more and more they will find out about themselves. Thus sociologists have concluded that the most effective of those collective groups is our cultural identity that we share with countless of other members. As we find similarities and differences we have with the other members, we create ourself identity. This creates the fragile self identity that is heavily reliant upon the collective identities. As I continued to write upon this subject in my term papers, I realized there was a even stronger force that creates a sense of self like no other. The interactions we have with God are the ultimate true source of understanding ourselves. I don't know the entire logistics of it, but the sense of self I found inside God has been greater than any other identity I used to have, and I realized that this is the ultimate identity.

Aside from that I am sure hungry. Running out of meal points suck.

1129

Why am I stuck here?

Get me out.

But to where?

1114

Sometimes I stop to think why the wait.

1108

Life is so amazing.

1018

I am so thankful for everything now.

1008

Taking a break from all the studying this week. I guess my goal beginning this week was to slow down from all that was happening in college, but that didn't really come to reality as my week is almost already over . It seemed like everyday was just another day of studying for the midterm on the next day. However, aside from all this educational stuff, I really do enjoy college. The freedom I have now to really plan out my schedule. The new people I meet and relationships formed are rather refreshing. Diversity had never been better defined than now. All the worries I had of finding replacements to those I once held dear now vanish as I meet new characteristics I am attracted towards to as well. I really have been living in a bubble and I'm glad that is able to change now.

Thank you so much for the letter. I really miss high school, where the smallest acts of kindness are the ones that make my day.

1007

I love rediscovering songs that I enjoy.

'We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony where everything will change, we'll give ourselves new names, identities erased.'

0912

Haha, too many times we think we are the ones in control.

Let Him control.

0820

Last day in southern california. Regrets? Nah. Sad? More than I have been in a long time. Every person I had a chance to associate myself with for the past 12 years I had here in Diamond Bar has really shown a unique characteristic. In retrospect, I don't believe I can find a single person that can resemble any of the people I have met. I wouldn't want that either.

Every new step is a new chance to create more memories, not reliving in the past ones. "Make the most of it."

0802

Miss those days where we played and did what we wanted to.

Now there are so many rules to live by.

;(

0731

I have so much I want to tell them. I wish they would just listen to me one last time, but I guess I messed up. You were right, once you mess up you can't get it back. I love them; I don't know why, but I see so much potentional in each of them. Potential that I ruined, hindered, blocked from learning, experiencing, renewing.

It begun just with them two. Then it grew, more and more came. Now they are a happy family, a family I never experienced there. I was never really a leader, and now all I can do is pray. I pray that they grow with each other, struggle with each other, and ultimately know you together. Until then I don't know if I can handle the risk of messing up again. Ultimately I am disappointed in myself, God blessed me with such a wonderful group and I took that for granted.

0718

So a post talking about my taiwan trip has been long overdue. There was once that quote in TOK, but I seem to forget who said it. It goes along the lines like this, "the human incapability to share or express first hand emotions and experiences cause the human race to truly be lonely." Although poorly chosen, the quote truly describes the limitations I now face to put to words the joy, lessons & freedom I experienced in taiwan, but here I go... (forgive me for the disarranged order of this)

Prior to the trip, I remember doubting my choice in traveling so far, and spending so much money, but now after it all I am truly grateful that I had the chance to do this. Thanks for those who made it possible for me <3

I lived with my grandma in taiwan, and oh man was it a real new experience. No a/c, no hot water, living with a cockroach as my roommate was truly new to me, but after all of this I think I really grow to appreciate the advantages we are blessed with in America. However, with the appreciations also came the depreciation in how lousy&overpriced the food in America is. Haha my grandma told me everyday before I went out, that my experience here in taiwan was going to be part of my future forever, and she was glad that she could be part of it even if it was small contribution on her part. I love my grandma :)

Going out everyday for three weeks in a row is truly a new experience I longed for since middle school. The public transportation system in taiwan really allowed the new environment to become explorable & with friends the trip became that much more memorable. Although I didn't really get to hang out with one friend throughout the trip I believe the reliance upon and time spent with them allowed me to learn so much about them I wouldn't have known in America.

For the new friends I made in taiwan, I really admire them. Their sincerity and pureness in welcoming me allowed me to feel right at home. The deepest memory I will have of taiwan was the night trip up to yangming shan to see the night scenery. Although I haven't seen them for three years, the moment we met again we were able to converse as if we had seen each other only the day before.

Going into daily details will make this post way too long, so here goes the short summary:
museums, nightlife, random malls, nightmarkets, movies, mountains, car trips, mrt hopping, crashing cousins place, random strolling, rollerblading, beach, sogo, 101, eaaaaating. !

Can't wait to have another trip, maybe visit taiwan in 4 years again :)

0711

why'd you have to do that ?

you're so stupid .

that's all I have to say .

0628

so i've only got one week left to play in taiwan. it has rather been quite exhilerating going out everyday in the morning and coming home pretty late at night. but after two weeks straight of this, i think i'm slowly running out of energy. i bought new stuff, saw things i never will again, met friends that i haven't met in so long. i really had time to reflect today on why i had chosen this one brother as my hero, the one guy i truly look up and admire his characteristics, the boy i met three years ago. he hasn't changed at all these past years that i've been in america. ahah it's quite interesting how we are such different people and yet whenever we meet up we can talk for the longest time as if we had known each other for years. i believe he emodies all the characteristics that i long to have. well i'll probably write more next week when i'm back in america; i'm pretty worn out so time to nap !

0620

I've been really having fun lately. Taiwan and everything is a blast :) totally different, totally free; all in all it has been really exciting.

Today kind of hit me, all the time riding bicycles down and not really understanding what they were talking about, I just thought.

I thought about what I talked to Emily the day before also. I concluded I am a horrible person, deal with it. I'm kind of sick of people thinking I am always going to be nice, always sweet. The things I do, the things I say, I know they seem really questionable at times, but I always have a reason. If your too dumb to know that I plan everything out about my life, than just please leave and stop wasting my time. I love my friends but I am a serious asshole to people I don't like. I don't really care anymore, if you think you know my intentions for something, you're probably wrong. I think the people that are closest to me know all my mistakes, probably lived through them with me, and yet they still stuck. I really think it's the friends I have that allow me to still have some goodness inside of me. I am a hypocrite. I know. I can change that without your judgements.

A falling tree doesn't need more axes to cut it down, it needs support to get upright again. This past year I've been through a lot, if you brought an axe, please just gtfo.

People who read this probably cannot relate, cause it isn't about you.

0605

it's amazing, how in such a short time so many opposing emotions can enter and leave, barely leaving a trace. bursts of happiness, anxiety, sorrow, anger, confusion, distress, fulfillment and the list continues..

it's amazing, how people you never expected can sew together words that go beyond print on a page..

it's amazing, how the moments i wished i would forget so dearly, now i want to hold on to forever..

it's amazing how much time, or rather the lack of time can cause such a drastic change, an alteration on the perspective we preceive things as..

it's amazing how far we have drifted and yet how close we are everytime we talk again..

it's amazing i am going to berkeley, the college i did not even think of applying for..

it's amazing where i am now, and now i say..

just go with it (:

0518

There are only eight more days where I will wake up & do the very same routine I have done for four years, drive half asleep to school, do homework in the class that its due. 

I remember seniors last year began to miss everything around this time. When the days began to wind down, memories came back to them. Yet, it hasn't occured to me yet. The sorrow, the grief that was part of them, hasn't found it's way here. I never knew I could be so nonchalant, its a tad frightening. Maybe its only these past few days. I've never felt so tired in my life. 

On a side note, I should never blog when I wake up from a nap again. The tone of this blog is so apathetic, which is completely disassociated with how I feel right now, honestly. These past few days have been a cheek to cheek smile for me. Too much happened & I'm tired once again, so off to bed I go !

0502

Tests everyday next week.

League individuals next week.

After next week, I'm done.

Until then, I hate studying.

0428

I believe…

            I believe the world is all pretend. From the time we are infants until we mature and even when we grow old and time begins to wage war against our bodies, we pretend. When I was five, I pretended to be a mailman and wrote letters to my parents. When I was eight, I pretended to be the next firefighter to save other people. When I was twelve I pretended to hate school, but I died of boredom every second I was at home away from my friends. Even now, I pretend to know things I do not know. I pretend with a smile when hardships or discomforts arise. I pretend to be mad even when I miss her dearly. I pretend.

I have found and believe pretense often leads to a complete radical change. Although I never became that mailman or the heroic fireman, the characteristics are now part of who I am. Pretending to be a mailman has created a joy inside of me to give gifts to other people. My desire to help others came from my adoration of firefighters. Even now, when I pretend to know things I do not know, I find slowly I begin to understand more and more as I am surrounded by other knowers as well. The smile I wear everyday allows me to live through all types of trials. I have pretended so well, it has become my reality.

I believe no matter what stage of life humans are in, they are pretending. Kids pretending to be grownups. Grownups still pretending they are young. This is how we grow, this is how we still live on. Pretending is the step that allows us to cross over the gap from pure imagination into practical reality. The dreams we have inside our minds, what are they but abstract ideas that are nonexistent, unless of course we pretend. 

0426

This past week AP Literature was pretty chill, we didn't really go beyond anything past mere discussions due to the shortened periods (yay!) . However, I think the most ironic thing is that I learned the most out of this past week in my AP Literature class. I've been an avid anti-reading person during my years in high school. Whether it was my laziness or my lack of self-control to sit through an entire book, I never completely read& finished more than 5 books in the entirity of my high school English courses. This isn't something to be proud of & I'm not boasting of my achievements made without reading. Rather, my dearth of reading has caused me quite a struggle throughout my humanity courses in high school. Due to my poor pool of vocabulary, I was unable to write long essays coherently.

 I never believed reading literature could bring knowledge (stupid, I know) instead I believed all the knowledge, well all the applicable knowledge, that we needed was attainable through the experiences we have, the interactions we have with our surrounding world. However, this past week I have been completely mute in my AP Lit class. Without any breadth of books to share, the dicussions were rocketed back and forth by my fellow classmates. Although none of the books were amazingly different, my astonishment laid on the fact that almost everyone read on their own, for fun. 

Nonetheless, stubborn as I am, I still believe that the majority of works we are forced to read throughout our high school courses are pointless. I still have a long way to go before I believe studying the way English poets conceive their poems will aide us in any manner. Aside from the fact that I have to begin to read in college (yuck) I plan on maybe reading some works of literature over the summer. 

0422

i wish i was a tiger!

Only a week left in the month of april, then the days begin to start counting down. Only one more week and a half to review for some of the IB tests. Only 2 more weeks to learn in class. Only 3 more weeks to see teachers and classmates. Only 4 more weeks until its time to say goodbye.

0420

♥

0419

Oh my, it's 8:30 already and it's still 81 degrees. I'm really going to miss this heat and spontaneous weather changes. Today, I missed the deadline for signing up to go DongYing in the summer. I guess all the hype I was in for college has caused me to become oblivious to so many of the events that are occuring around me. I guess now instead of living in the past I've been focused too much on the future. Time to simmer down and focus on finishing what I had spent two years for.

Intense ib studying! 

not -___-

but I will try!

What makes us human is not our ability to think but our ability to love.

0418

I decided to recreate a new blog [although no one knew my old one anyways] due to the inefficiency in using an email that was not gmail. 

I guess the idea of leaving so.cal to go up north really began to hit me today. Many of the friends I made in the past four years I will probably never come across again in the future. Although this seemed inevitable, I hated the mere idea of it and was striving to change that for the past month. But now, I've come to a point where I really have given up. 

Looking back on my previous years, I remember hating the fact of people going in and out of my life. However, I now learned to appreciate those who have stayed there for me. As I counted those who I really could trust now, not even a handful come to mind. 

So, this is for my four closest friends:

thank you.

Aside from these detrimental thoughts plaguing my mind, on a happier note!

I've really come to see Berkeley in a new light from my visit during the past weekend. I still remembered the place as I first went there four years ago; however, this time my feelings were completely different. Whether it was the newfound joy of being completely independent and away from my parents or the growth I have experienced in the last years of high school, I came to the conclusion of Berkeley being liveable. I doubt it's the latter, so obviously my conclusion about college is that I'll probably be happy anywhere my parents aren't d;

Given the fact that I won't be able to see/talk to everyone on a daily basis anymore, I believe this blog can serve the purpose of updating.

"The starting point of all achievement is desire" Napoleon Hill